Lost Ones (Her Perspective)

“I refuse to bring my boy or my girl in this world when I ain’t got shit to give’em/And I’m not with them niggas who be knocking girls up and skate out/So girl you gotta think about how the options weigh out/What’s the way out?”—J. Cole “Lost Ones”

 

She sat on the windowsill, watching the children play at the park across the street from her. She felt nostalgic. And she subconsciously glided her hand over her stomach. She didn’t know how to feel. While she heard the little children’s laughter, she thought about how the laughter of the little one that once grew inside of her, would’ve sounded like.

She had mixed emotions. Logically, it was the right decision to make, but it still hurt her heart. She was fresh out of high school and still trying to get the hang of college. She wouldn’t have been able to handle it—her, nor her baby’s father.

 

“And I ain’t too proud to tell you that I cry sometime/I cry sometimes about it/And boy that shit hurtin’ and ain’t nobody perfect/Still we can make it work, but you doubt it.”

 

They had already hit a snag in their relationship and the prospect of a child just added more pressure to it. They would’ve been fighting a lot and they both knew it. She didn’t want to be stressed and depressed during her pregnancy. And no child deserved to be raised in a household where the parents were always fighting.

“We made the right decision,” she told herself over and over again.

She sat on the windowsill, watching the children play at the park across the street from her. She closed her eyes and listened to the children’s laughter. She longed to listen to the laughter of the little one that once grew inside of her.

 

“See I knew that this is how you’d act, so typical/Said you love me, oh, but now you flippin’ like reciprocals.”

 

Overall, he really was a god guy, but his reaction when she told him that she was pregnant made her look at him in a different light. He said that he loved her. But in due time, she realized that they weren’t ready for a child. And they weren’t good together.

 

“And I ain’t too proud to tell you that I cry sometime/I cry sometimes about it.”

 

And she did. The day after she got her procedure she cried something terrible. She was a murderer. While she lay on the operation table she justified her reasoning. She was too young. She wasn’t ready. She didn’t have the means to give it the life that it deserved.

She prayed for God’s forgiveness. She prayed for her unborn child’s forgiveness.

“We made the right decision.”

She wiped her tears while sitting on the windowsill, watching the children play at the park across the street from her. She listened to their laughter. She longed to listen to the laughter of the little one that once grew inside of her.

“We made the right decision.”

 

“But what about yo seed nigga? What about yo seed nigga? What about yo seed nigga? I said what about yo seed?”

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2 comments

  1. judithatwood · January 23, 2012

    WOW! Very powerful, very poignant — thanks for posting this!

    • janachantel · January 23, 2012

      Thank you!

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